Castle Walls
by Kathey27
Summary: How Chuck finds all he ever needed while letting go of all he ever wanted. / Or, You have the money and the clothes and the sex and the booze and the spotlight and the fame and the everything…except the Girl - Boy - and the Dad and the Love and the Hearth and the Home. Chuck/Blair. Chuck/Nate one-sided.


**A/N: This is…yeah I have no idea. It follows the show, not the books because I read them all EXCEPT the last one which is stupid, I know but whatever because I like the show better anyways despite how aggravating it can be at times.**

**This doesn't really follow the show canon wise all that much except in random tidbits and snapshots and it's Chuck/Blair with one-sided Chuck/Nate because I can never watch or read anything without finding some slash to it.**

**Disclaimer: If I had my way Blair would be with Dan and Chuck with Nate or Serena…or Vanessa, they could have been good together…**

**xxxxxx**

**castle walls:**

You've heard you're a complicated man. An enigma when you want to be.

You have the money and the clothes and the sex and the booze and the spotlight and the fame and the everything…except the Girl (**Boy**) and the Dad and the Love and the Hearth and the Home.

xxxxxx

You press girls to brick walls and sleek sheets and hardwood floors and kiss their skin and trace their bones with your lips and try to tell yourself it's for you and not for anyone else. You lose yourself in the way their flesh feels against yours and the way they warm the blistering coldness that fills your insides and their seductive smiles and the empty promises of devotion and love that lie in their eyes. You take all you can from them and tug and steal pieces to try and glue to your own gaping holes in hope of finding something to hold down the pain and wash out the images of honest and blue eyes.

xxxxxx

Brunette, redhead, blackhead, light blonde all except dirty blonde because there's already a dirty blonde holding your lungs in a steel tight grip that you can't quite ever hide from and a part of you, when you crash-land, relishes in the fact that Blair's hair shines brown in the light.

xxxxxx

You've never (always) needed for much and Nate's been there since always and his hands feel good against yours and his reassuring, always calm smile tames you and despite the fact that he's the best friend in this story and nothing else you picture more than once pressing your lips against those soft pink ones of his.

xxxxxx

You spend the money and buy the good stuff and drink the expensive scotch with those engraved glasses of yours and you dress to impress as if anyone even really cared and that summer back on that innocent park where you'd met your innocent Nate when you'd still had innocent eyes and skin you would have never imagined this would be your story come a decade. But it is.

xxxxxx

You've never (always) really needed your father around but you admit it would have been nice had he acknowledged your presence every once and a while without any malice in his cold eyes. You've never had a mother (Lily's good but she's not enough) and the rest of them all just see green and cars and safe. All you want is a little bit of love.

xxxxxx

Blair tries to give you that love but it's not enough because she's bright and dynamite and you're explosive and fire and together you are both poison to the other but alone it's (never) just as bad and you sort of enjoy the fleeting shadows that speak of things left unsaid beneath Nate's eyes when he watches you with her. This isn't_that _story though so you let it go.

xxxxxx

You thrive under the judgemental eyes and do what they expect and screw whom they expect and go to where they expect because it's all you've ever known. You don't try for better because you're a Bass and an Upper East sider and you're so tightly woven into this life there's no possibility of getting out even if you had the strength (wanted, _needed_) to.

xxxxxx

You love Blair. You love her. But you also love Nate and there are days where you can't decide which comes first and nights where you don't know whose drunken mistakes to clean up after first and mornings where you wish the body you'd woken up with had dirty blonde hair, not brown.

xxxxxx

You kiss a boy and you like it. Then another and another and they're all nameless faces living in the latest of your cross-country trip stop towns and they all have dirty blonde hair and you do it because you're off of Gossip Girl's radar for now and you've always wondered how it would taste. You touch and kiss and lick and moan and let them take pieces away and when you wake to cold sheets you don't even feel your heart ache. You wish your story were something else entirely.

xxxxxx

Nate's oblivious but Blair isn't and you love her and want her and need her and maybe that's the problem because you don't need Nate, you simply crave him and you're sure if he knew it'd disappear in a second.

Blair isn't oblivious and she runs her nails in extra hard when your eyes wander and_ there's_ that bright dynamite and it hurts but you know she knows and you need her to swim in the ocean of lies you've built as your life and Nate was never meant to be your lifeguard but the sinking ship.

xxxxxx

You like the power you have and the games you play and the secrets you spew and the lives you help destroy because it's in your blood no matter how hard Lily tries to correct it and although those blue eyes often serve as your conscious there are brown eyes on the other side of your shoulder that are always whispering the most seductive, wistful things. Blue eyes never really stood a chance with his words of peace and good and too soft hands.

xxxxxx

The first five years of your life you were convinced you were cold blooded because of the fact that you never had any friends around to tell you any differently and whenever you gazed into your father's eyes all that was seen was the artic cold and darkness and you were young enough to know better than to believe you actually could be more…but then you met Nate with those blue eyes and that dirty blonde hair and he was nice and shy and shared his cookies with you and had cool action figures and he made your insides warmer than any pretty girl and you hated how it took _him_ for you to realize you're alive. That can't be your story.

xxxxxx

Sometimes you wonder what kind of life you could really build with Blair if a part of you will always want Nate.

You're both finally ready to get serious and the drama's dimmed down and everyone seems to be on your side and it's all going good and you've got a ring hiding somewhere in that mess you call a room and she makes you want to be better…

…But Nate…Nate makes you happy the way you are. There is no better with him because he's as good as it gets and if you allow yourself to picture kids they're almost always with blue eyes and soft smiles.

xxxxxx

You never had an actual home. Your father was never around long enough to add some warmth to the place and the hotel was good but it wasn't enough and Blair tried but she was too much and Nate…

…Nate added warmth and was always enough without being too much and he made you happy and for all intents and purposes _he_ is your home.

xxxxxx

You don't remember when you began to fall off the tracks (or on them, depending on how it's told) but you do remember sixth grade with snowflakes stuck to your hair and frostbite setting in but it was all good because Nate was there with sparkling eyes and he was pelting you with discombobulated snow balls and he was smiling so brightly it was like the stars were before you and if you went home to tight pants and confused fluttering in your stomach, well…then so be it.

xxxxxx

Blair's bright and dynamite but Nate's lush and soothe and they both bring out the worst in you but also the best (when they're out of reach) and you wish it was simple but you love them both too much to ever pick. That story was never an option.

xxxxxx

You're Chuck Bass and you have the money and the clothes and the sex and the booze and the spotlight and the fame and the everything…you have the friends and the mother and the family and the corporal home and the future so bright you could hardly see two inches before your eyes.

You have Blair and a ring and a love for the generations and if your eyes sneak to the side occasionally to gaze at those honest and pure blue eyes resulting in Blair's eyes darkening back to that Old High School Rage that's too bad.

This is your story.


End file.
